By Sheleana Aiyana
Founder of Rising Woman
@sheleanaaiyana
Relationship anxiety can happen to anyone, but it’s especially common for those who carry unresolved abandonment and relational wounds.
Entering a new relationship—even with a secure, communicative partner—can bring up fear, anxiety, and insecurity. However, it’s not always easy to tell if these feelings stem from past patterns or if they’re a response to an unhealthy relationship.
Learning to distinguish between relationship anxiety and actual red flags within a relationship is essential for finding peace, trust, and confidence in love.
If you’re experiencing anxiety, self-doubt, or questioning the stability of your relationship, it’s worth exploring whether the anxiety is coming from within or if it’s a valid response to the relationship itself.
Disconnected from Our Intuition: Why It’s Hard to Tell the Difference
Sometimes, past experiences from our childhood or in unstable / painful relationships can make it hard to connect with our intuition. If you’re used to chaotic or unpredictable dynamics, calm and stability in a relationship might feel foreign, even uncomfortable. This can make it difficult to read the signals from your own body and intuition, and even harder to trust them.
When we’re disconnected from ourselves, we may ignore red flags in unhealthy relationships, or we may feel anxious in safe relationships simply because we’re not used to feeling secure.
Unresolved emotional wounds can cause us to question ourselves and the relationship constantly. It can trigger a cycle of overthinking, worrying, and doubting—even if our partner’s actions are healthy and consistent. The more these patterns repeat, the more challenging it can become to see situations clearly, making it easy to feel stuck in uncertainty.
Let’s take a closer look at some signs to help differentiate between when it’s relationship anxiety and when the relationship itself may be triggering your anxiety…
It’s Relationship Anxiety When…
If you’re experiencing anxiety but your partner’s actions are secure, consistent, and supportive, the source of your anxiety might be internal. Here are some indicators that the anxiety you’re feeling may stem from personal fears rather than issues within the relationship itself:
- The person you’re dating is open and honest in their communication with you. They actively listen, respond with clarity, and show a commitment to transparency and trust.
- They’ve made it clear how they feel about you and that they’re committed to the relationship. You’re not left guessing their intentions, and their words are consistent with their actions.
- You don’t wonder where you stand with them because they regularly check in. If they make plans, they follow through. They communicate openly when life gets in the way and keep you updated.
- You feel anxious and insecure even when they honor their commitments and communicate often. Despite their consistency, your mind races with doubts, “what ifs,” and insecurities.
- The relationship is full of green flags, but you still feel anxious and uncertain. They respect you, listen to you, and engage in healthy conflict resolution, yet you find it difficult to feel at ease with the relationship.
- The stability of the relationship feels foreign or unnerving because you’re used to chaotic or unpredictable relationships. When calm and peace don’t feel familiar, you might even feel something is missing.
- There is mutual respect, honesty, and curiosity between you both. They show genuine interest in your thoughts, feelings, and growth, but anxiety causes you to second-guess whether this relationship can last.
These signs suggest that your partner’s behavior is secure, consistent, and communicative.
If you’re still experiencing anxiety, it may be tied to your past experiences or emotional patterns rather than the current reality of your relationship. Working through these emotions with self-compassion—and rewiring your nervous system to a safe & secure love—can help you find relief and build trust.
REGISTER FOR MY UPCOMING FREE WORKSHOP…
The Relationship May Be the Source of Your Anxiety When…
If the anxiety you feel is triggered by inconsistent or disrespectful behavior from your partner, it may be a sign that the relationship itself is causing distress.
Here’s are some things to look for:
- They are unclear about their intentions or frequently avoid clarifying the relationship. Direct conversations about the future are met with evasive answers or resistance, leaving you feeling uncertain and led on.
- They don’t honor time commitments or often brush you off. Canceled plans and last-minute changes are frequent, making you feel as if you’re not a priority.
- They only make time to see you when it’s convenient for them. This could look like late-night visits or only “fitting you in” around other commitments, without considering your needs.
- They cancel frequently at the last minute without a legitimate reason. This pattern can feel disrespectful of your time and effort, making you question your importance to them.
- They express uncertainty about wanting a relationship but are comfortable with physical intimacy. This creates a confusing dynamic where you feel connected during intimacy but left wondering afterward.
- Their behavior is hot and cold, with bursts of attention followed by distance. One day, they’re fully engaged, and the next, they’re unavailable or unresponsive, leaving you questioning their interest.
- The only time you feel truly connected to them is during physical intimacy. This can leave you feeling empty or emotionally unfulfilled, as the relationship lacks depth outside of these moments.
These behaviors indicate that your partner may not be emotionally available or committed to a stable relationship. If their actions and intentions don’t align with your needs or values, it’s important to consider whether the relationship is truly serving your well-being.
Reality Check: Understanding Your Needs and Boundaries
It’s important to remember that there’s a significant difference between experiencing anxiety in a healthy relationship and feeling anxiety because the relationship itself is unhealthy.
- Relationship anxiety is often embedded into our nervous system, which means that it won’t disappear simply by finding the “right” partner. True healing involves self-awareness, rewiring your nervous system, and open communication with yourself and your partner.
- Nervous system work is essential for understanding and managing relationship anxiety. Learning to recognize when you’re feeling triggered or unsafe can help you better distinguish between genuine relational issues and personal anxiety.
- You have the power to stand in your truth and honor your needs in any relationship. If the relationship itself is perpetuating your anxiety, you can take steps to protect your well-being and prioritize yourself.
- If a person is unwilling to commit or does not share your relationship goals, trying to “earn” their love or loyalty through self-sacrifice or physical intimacy will only lead to more pain. Taking what you can get instead of honoring what you truly want will likely prevent you from finding true, reciprocal love.
- If a person tells you they aren’t ready for a relationship, believe them. Ignoring this boundary and hoping they’ll change will only create false hope and disappointment.
We cannot compromise our fundamental needs and desires for the sake of someone else’s preferences. For example, if one person desires an open relationship and the other does not, compromising core values for the sake of compatibility will likely result in more pain than fulfillment.
Even relationships that feel intense or thrilling—like the “cat-and-mouse” dynamic—can sometimes mask deeper insecurities. While these connections can feel exhilarating, they’re often based on the thrill of the chase rather than a genuine, grounded connection. True, lasting love is about availability, respect, and mutual pursuit. You don’t have to chase or convince someone who is genuinely interested in you; they will be there willingly and consistently.
Healing and Building a Secure Foundation for Love
Being free from relationship anxiety begins with reconnecting to yourself—your intuition, your needs, and your sense of worth. It involves gently rewiring the nervous system and creating a solid foundation that allows you to feel safe in a secure, healthy love.
Join me for my free upcoming workshop Healing Relationship Anxiety…
