Compromising vs. Selling Out in Relationships


What does it mean to compromise in a relationship without compromising yourself? Check in with yourself. Are you just trying to win or be right with your partner or are you actually passionately “no” on the subject at hand? Sometimes our egos highjack the discussion and it becomes more about winning than it does about the thing we’re fighting for. Whenever you notice this happening, let go.

Are you taking time to continually deepen your relationship with yourself?

If you’re wish washy in your boundaries, it’s likely you’ll find yourself unsure of where to draw the line when it comes to compromising. At times, you may find you’re totally selling out because you’re not clear enough what you truly want and what you stand for inside of an intimate partnership.

Resentment builds up quickly when we’re not speaking our truth and this easily gets projected onto the person we’re in relationship with. A good way to prevent this from getting out of hand is simply to get to know yourself. When you’re clear headed and solid in your own boundaries, compromising with an open heart comes more easily. Maybe you start by writing down what you want in a partnership and making relationship agreements, or perhaps you commit to some type of workshop or class. But the true work is always within, so whichever path you take in getting to know yourself is honorable.

The more you feel in control of your own life, the less you’ll feel the need to control others.

We have a tendency to seek externally for what’s lacking within us. Maybe it’s validation, self-worth, love, and often control. This shows up in subtle or even very loud ways that can seriously impact a partnership, so it’s important to recognize those parts of yourself and integrate them.

These qualities won’t entirely disappear, but they won’t run the show either. Of course there will always be arguments and disagreements in a relationship. This isn’t a magical formula to never having a fight with your partner again, that would be crazy. After all, you’re human. And humans aren’t perfect. No two people will ever agree on everything. It’s up to you to learn about yourself so you can stay firm in your boundaries and make healthy compromises with your partner when needed.

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Sheleana is a writer, mentor, and women's work facilitator in Vancouver, BC. She is a certified breathwork facilitator and trained full-spectrum doula offering full-spectrum abortion, miscarriage, pregnancy and birth support to women and couples. Sheleana is passionate about working 1-1 with women on Conscious Relationship, Childhood Wounds and the Mother Wound and occasionally co-leads workshops in her area. She draws on her own life experience, years of personal study, and continual in person training as a teachers assistant under Transpersonal Therapist and Teacher, Phil Mistlberger. You'll find Sheleana in just a few places: cuddled up at home with her partner, in Conscious Relationship Training and Shadow Work Therapy Chambers, and for breakfast and bookstore dates with her best friend and co-facilitator, Heather.
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