Relationship Incompatibility in Astrology:
What if your chart says you’re not a fit?
By Astrologer, Eden Wine | IG: @practical.astro.magic
Graduate of Our Mystic Astrology Apprenticeship Program
What If Your Astrology Says You’re Incompatible?
Astrology has long been a tool for self-discovery, offering insights into our inner workings, relationships, and life paths. It’s not uncommon for people to explore the compatibility of their charts with their partner’s to understand the dynamics of their relationship. But what happens when we question whether or not we’re compatible with our partner based on star signs or astrology, and we come to find out that we’re not? How many times do we make promises to ourselves never to go on dates with someone just because they’re a certain sun sign? The language of astrology is much more nuanced than that, and this article aims to explore compatibility from a lens that allows for a gigantic breath of fresh air when it comes to wondering if our partners are a true cosmic match.
The Myth of “Perfect Compatibility” in Astrology
The good news is that the mainstream understanding of relational-astrological compatibility is often oversimplified. The insight for compatibility exists well beyond the expression of the Sun sign. It requires a glimpse into the entire 360 degree chart of both partners and how those two charts impact one another. So what are some of the dynamics that we might want to consider from the two charts?
Firstly, let’s look to the luminaries (the sun, moon, rising signs). This trifecta forms the core essence of our character and shapes how we show up in relationships. The Sun, for example, represents our central identity, illuminating basic personality and driving motivations. The Moon governs our emotional world, highlighting how we nurture and seek comfort, as well as our emotional needs within a relationship. The Rising sign, or Ascendant, reflects our outward persona (as well as the person who we’re growing towards), and expresses our unique approach to life, including within relationships. Together, these three elements create a foundational blueprint of our character and how we connect with others.
Venus and Mars placements provide a closer look at how we give and receive love, our attraction, and our passion. Venus gives clues towards our love language, preferences in relationships, and the qualities that draw us to a partner. It reveals how we seek harmony, pleasure, and connection. Mars, on the other hand, represents how we assert ourselves, express desire, and pursue intimacy. When explored together, Venus and Mars reveal the interplay between affection and passion, offering insights into the dynamics of attraction.
Beyond planets, we can also look at aspects that interplay between cosmic points in both our chart and our partner’s chart. This serves as a map of understanding where there is harmony and where there are growing edges within a relationship. Angles such as conjunctions, trines, squares, and oppositions showcase areas of ease and flow, and are also an acknowledgment of differences. For instance, harmonious aspects, like trines and sextiles, indicate natural compatibility and mutual understanding. Challenging aspects, on the other hand, such as squares or oppositions, may instead reveal areas where purposeful learning could lead to the establishment of a deeper bond.
Synastry and composite charts are an additional tool offering deeper layers of understanding about a relationship’s dynamic. Synastry involves comparing the two charts to see how each person’s energy interacts, including: what sparks connection, what triggers challenges, and how each partner influences the other’s growth. Composite charts, by contrast, combine both natal charts to form a single chart representing the relationship itself. This chart highlights the relationship’s overarching purpose, shared strengths, and areas that require balance or effort. Together, synastry and composite charts provide a holistic view of how two individuals come together to create something unique and meaningful. By exploring these astrological layers, we can gain invaluable insights into navigating relationships with greater awareness and intentionality. (Learn more about synastry and compatibility in our Become Your Own Astrologer program)
It’s important to understand that astrological compatibility isn’t about finding someone whose chart is perfectly aligned with yours; it’s about understanding how your differences can complement and challenge each other in meaningful ways.
“Incompatibility” as a Mirror for Growth
What we often label as incompatibility in astrology is, in fact, an invitation for deeper work. The tension between two charts may highlight areas where growth, compromise, or healing is needed. For example:
Where there are squares and oppositions invite an opportunity to catalyze change and promote personal evolution. A Sun square Moon, for instance, may create misunderstandings around emotional needs, but it can also encourage deeper communication and empathy in the long run, should the couple choose to work through this dynamic with compassion, intention, and a willingness to learn.
If, for example, a fiery Sagittarius partners with a grounded Taurus, there may be a need to balance spontaneity with stability. While this can feel frustrating, it’s also an opportunity to integrate new qualities that aren’t already within.
Another example can be seen from a chart pairing with minimal trines or sextiles that mobilizes a couple to build connection through conscious effort, fostering intentionality and growth.
Astrological tension doesn’t spell failure, it invites curiosity and understanding. Relationships thrive not because they’re free of challenges but because partners are willing to face those challenges together and commit to choosing each other through the ebbs, while savouring each other through the flows of life.
Practical Steps When Your Astrology Points to Challenges:
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Understanding Our Own Chart First
Before diving into a partner’s chart, it’s important for us to take time to deeply understand our own chart by learning ourselves, including important elements like:
- Emotional needs (Moon): How do you nurture yourself and others? What makes you feel safe?
- Love language (Venus): How do you express affection? What makes you feel loved?
- Conflict style (Mars): How do you handle disagreements? What ignites your passion or defensiveness?
Understanding our own chart helps us recognize what we bring to the relationship and where we may need to grow. You can learn to read your own chart in our Become Your Own Astrologer Program.
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View the Relationship as a Partnership
Astrology is a map, not a mandate. Rather than asking “Are we compatible?”, ask “How can we co-create a healthy, fulfilling relationship?”. Other ways to work in partnership through astrology include:
- Working with Synastry: Identify strengths and challenges. For example, a Venus-Mars conjunction might show passionate chemistry, while a Saturn square Venus could indicate lessons around commitment.
- Honouring Differences: Instead of seeing them as barriers, recognize them as complementary forces that can enrich the connection.
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Communicate Consciously
Many astrological challenges stem from misunderstandings that can be resolved through mindful communication. For example:
- If one partner’s Mercury is in a practical earth sign and the other’s is in a passionate fire sign, their communication styles may clash. Awareness of these tendencies allows for adjustments, like balancing logic with emotional attunement.
- It also leaves room to discern the kinds of tools and supports that might help partners come into harmony with each other.
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Lean into the Lessons
Astrological tension often points to the growing edges of the relationship. Consider:
- Challenging Aspects as Teachers. For example, a Saturn aspect might feel heavy, but it’s teaching patience and commitment.
- Healing Through Opposition. Oppositions in synastry often highlight areas that feel polarizing, which becomes an invitation for integration and balance.
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Focus on Shared Goals and Values
Compatibility is as much about shared intentions as it is about harmonious charts. It’s important to discuss with a partner:
- What kind of life do we want to build together?
- How do we each define success, love, and partnership?
- What values do we hold?
When the shared purpose in a relationship is clear, differences become less significant.
Tools for Navigating Astrological Challenges:
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Rituals for Clarity and Connection
Play with astrology-inspired rituals to deepen your connection and navigate challenges:
- Full Moon Reflection: Reflect on what is ripe to release in the relationship.
- New Moon Intentions: Set goals for how to grow together.
- Planetary Transits: Honour key transits with journaling, meditation, or shared activities.
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Astrological Counseling
Consider working with a professional astrologer to explore your synastry or composite chart. They can provide insights into:
- Strengths and challenges in your dynamic
- Karmic patterns and lessons
- Strategies for navigating tension
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Self-Reflection Practices
- Explore how a relationship mirrors inner dynamics through a process like journaling.
- Focus on cultivating compassion and understanding for yourself and your partner in meditation and contemplation.
- Create and use affirmative statements like, “I embrace the lessons this relationship offers me”, and notice how it feels.
Overall, true compatibility isn’t found in a perfectly aligned chart, but in the willingness of two people to learn, grow, and show up for one another with authenticity and care.
Every relationship holds the potential to teach us about ourselves, including: our strengths, fears, and capacity for transformation. The so-called ‘incompatibilities’ highlighted in astrology often act as mirrors, reflecting areas within us that are ready for healing and expansion. They invite us to ask deeper questions, communicate more mindfully, and co-create a dynamic that honours us, both individually and in partnership.
Rather than fearing differences, embrace them as opportunities to enrich your connection, and allow the unique blend of your charts to inspire curiosity and creativity in how challenges are approached together. Whether it’s through rituals, conscious communication, or shared goals, we have the power to shape our relationships into something deeply meaningful.
The beauty of love lies in its ability to transcend, evolve, and surprise us every step of the way. Trust in the process, lean into the lessons, and honour the sacred journey of growth that a relationship brings. The stars don’t dictate our path, they simply light the way.
