What it Means for Men to “Hold Space” in Partnership

When men are unhealed with the feminine, they become cut off from their masculine core and shaky in what it means to hold space.

They over identify with women’s feelings to such an extent they become disabled from their capacity to simply be with her through her storm.

Dreading failure and being unable to cope with the possibility of “fucking it up”, at the first sign of a woman’s volatility they’re out.

Avoidant patterns like shutting her down and shutting her out, demeaning her by calling her dramatic, or heightening his level of stoicism in a moment where her emotions are heightened are all ways the masculine displays his wound to his Beloved.

I can’t begin to tell you the immense amount of pain and grief a woman feels when her partner shuts down in the moment where she so desperately seeks to be held – even for a moment in her chaos.

How painful it is when she feels judged or shamed for her feelings, rather than valid and seen.

Most men have never come face to face with the beauty that can unfold when space-holding is done right because they’re too afraid of being lost in the Dark feminine.

As women, our inner worlds can be turbulent and feral – sometimes our pain seeps past our lips before we’ve fully processed our way through our feelings, and we need to talk it out in order to understand ourselves deeper. It doesn’t always make sense, and what we need is to feel safe.

This process is a chance for a men to witness their woman in one state and gently hold for her as she moves into a higher vibration.

Unfortunately, most men will take her words and wear them like armour, they will identify with her feelings as if they are responsible for them – and knowing they will inevitably fail to change her feelings, they give up.

Space holding does NOT mean changing how she feels.
Space holding is not about DOING.
Space holding is not about judging.

Space holding is an energetic invitation for your woman to feel safe enough to process her shadow emotions, fears, insecurities or moments of vulnerability without shame.

Being in the same room with her is not space holding if you’ve closed your heart or judged her for having her feelings.

Space holding is an awareness that you are not responsible for doing anything, but being present and willing to stay heart open with her even if she withdraws until she feels safe to open up again.

Men, please heal your wounds with the feminine.

Please see your partners in their most vulnerable moments as powerful and capable of moving through their emotions.

Please recognize that while your woman doesn’t need you to do anything, she may be frustrated by battling with your inner 18 year old when all she wants is to feel safe and loved in her moments of darkness.

You have the capacity to be a mountain for your woman.

When you show up and hold space without taking things personally, when you pay attention and LISTEN, when you drop your ego and simply allow her to tell you what she needs – she will shift.

It can take mere moments for a woman to move through the darkness into the light when she feels safe.

But when she is judged, or her partner shuts down, the darkness is amplified and the shift takes much longer.

There’s big work to do in this realm between the Masculine and the Feminine.

Please try.

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by
Sheleana is a writer, mentor, and women's work facilitator in Vancouver, BC. She is a certified breathwork facilitator and trained full-spectrum doula offering full-spectrum abortion, miscarriage, pregnancy and birth support to women and couples. Sheleana is passionate about working 1-1 with women on Conscious Relationship, Childhood Wounds and the Mother Wound and occasionally co-leads workshops in her area. She draws on her own life experience, years of personal study, and continual in person training as a teachers assistant under Transpersonal Therapist and Teacher, Phil Mistlberger. You'll find Sheleana in just a few places: cuddled up at home with her partner, in Conscious Relationship Training and Shadow Work Therapy Chambers, and for breakfast and bookstore dates with her best friend and co-facilitator, Heather.
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