I grew up without a father and until I was 13 years old I was totally afraid of men. I remember playing at friends houses and the moment a dad would come home, internal anxiety would kick in and I’d find any excuse to leave.
At school I was often ashamed that I didn’t have a dad and didn’t feel like a normal kid. As a little girl, my sleep-over parties always ended in tears and begging to be picked up and taken home.
When I was 13, I ran away in the middle of the night from a foster home that sucked and my social workers called an emergency respite worker to come and get me. Her name was Alayne. She came to pick me up at 11pm from the hospital where I was visiting my mom. On the drive “home” she was gentle, and only asked me a few questions. She just let me be.
I had stomach migraines and night terrors and would throw up in my sleep. She’d find me at the bottom of the stairs in the middle of the night, carry me to the bathroom to clean me up and help me get back to bed.
For a few months I didn’t have much to say and all I wanted eat was spaghetti. I’d come upstairs for school at 7 a.m and she’d be standing there in the kitchen cheerfully boiling noodles for me. “I’m making Spaghetti for breakfast”! She would exclaim.
My god how I love that woman. She was my light in a very dark time.
One night, she told me she loved me and I froze. I choked on my own inability to speak – my throat closed, I couldn’t say it back. I did love her too, but I was too afraid to say it.
It’s been less than 10 years since I have allowed myself to receive love deeply.
It’s been less than 10 years since I have truly learned how to be in my power with men.
It’s been less than 10 years since I have been able to say “I love you” from a place of truth and ease.
My journey set me up to have major walls around my heart.
Healing myself and playing in my own shadow has become a life-long commitment.
My journey set me up to have walls so I could learn to slowly take them down. They won’t ever come down entirely and they certainly won’t come down right away with just anyone. But that’s ok. I don’t think they’re supposed to.
In today’s world we can easily write someone off for being cold or aloof or not letting us see them right away. But I get it. That’s where I have medicine to offer. I see peoples walls for what they are, and I can love them there. I don’t need someone to reveal all of themselves to me right away, I just need them to be kind. I don’t expect magic overnight, because connection takes time and trust and for some of us, that’s a slower process. I accept that.
Boundaries are a dance. If we have too many, we have walls that keep everyone out.
If we don’t have any, we give ourselves away. What we want are self-loving boundaries that come from a place of trust, rather than a place of fear. The medicine I carry is what I have to offer at this time and place in the work with myself, and women in my community.
My medicine is courage.
My medicine is setting boundaries.
My medicine is self-acceptance.
My medicine is learning to dance the line of keeping myself safe and letting others in.
My medicine is helping women tap into their anger and to love their inner child.
This is just one part of my story, and how Rising Woman came into being.
Along the way in 2014, I met a sensitive, powerful and wisdom drenched woman named Heather who became my best friend. We instantly connected and I can remember feeling this “bubble of love” emanate around us as we shared our hearts with one another and discussed some of the current women’s health issues we were facing.
RisingWoman was born in 2015, though I had been holding this vision in my heart for some time already. Still, it seemed that to truly embrace this path, I had to go through yet one more Dark Night of the Soul. After my divorce, I dove head first into shadow work, inner child work and transpersonal healing with therapist Phil Mistlberger whom Heather had already been working with. After 7 months of 1-1 shadow work and an integration of my inner feminine, I met my life partner Ben. I could write you a book on all of the ways I love him, he is a truly wonderful man. You can check out what he’s doing on EvolvingMan.ca. He and I began doing Conscious Relationship Training together two-months into our relationship, along Heather and Ben’s best friend Steve. Today we are assistant teachers to these trainings that consist of weekly group therapy sessions guided by a master of shadow work, depth psychology, jungian work and transpersonal therapy.
Our Partnership Coming Alive
Heather and I had been collaborating creatively and spiritually for some time, though we hadn’t officially partnered or joined forces with Rising Woman. We both had to clear old fears from old wounds that were keeping us from fully committing to this partnership. We did the work with one another in order to bring this offering forth to our community and on a global scale.
In 2017, Heather became a partner of RisingWoman.com. We’re also co-facilitators of the Rising Woman Sisterhood, a local women’s group we started together from day 1, and you’ll find both of us very active in our online sisterhood which you’re invite to join here. Together, we’re carrying this vision into expansion with the intention to create a safe space for women to reclaim their power, find their voice, and become responsible for their lives in an empowered, harmonious way. Our partnership makes sense for so many reasons. Heather and I compliment one another so well in our way of being in the world, our passions, interests and approaches to supporting women in their transformation and healing. I truly cannot imagine leading without Heather. The grace, wisdom, insight and deep compassion she brings to every space is so beautiful, and creates the space for me to be myself and offer my own unique gifts.
Thank you for being apart of our journey. Click here to learn how you can Join the Sisterhood.
P.S. – Have a man in your life that you feel would benefit from a brotherhood? Click here for a direct link to the Samurai Brotherhood, directed by our teacher P.T. Mistlberger.
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